Friday, November 04, 2005

Smooth Operators

I missed the earlier ruminations about ball shaving and Tidy Testicles in Atomic Book's MOBTOWN SHANK, so I'm weighing in on SHANK #310's recent reader commentaries. First off, I totally agree with Dr. Evil when, in AUSTIN POWERS, he observed that "There really is nothing like a shorn's breathtaking." And I agree with Ms. V that, because this is a "work area," it should be kept clean and professional if you expect someone to, well, work around there. And yes, pulling a hair out of your mouth is never sexy, whether you're slurping soup at a greasy spoon or eating out "downtown."

Me and "The Boys"
Like "Harry N. Winter," I did not become a Smooth Operator and decide to tidy up my testes until I hit 40, and then only after I had an epiphany watching porn videos. Unless you happen to be watching Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy, you may notice that contemporary male porn stars never have hairy nut sacs. I wondered why they always looked so smooth down there and didn't find out until 1997, when me and my ATOMIC TV cohorts hit Atlantic City to interview adult film stars at the East Coast Video Show. There I met legendary cockswain Peter North, who told me that he, and many of his fellow woodsmen, shaved their testicles in response to requests "from the ladies we work with." North, who takes massive doses of vitamins and mineral supplements to boost his geyser-like projectile ejaculations (no actor has a greater "range"), takes care of his work area like a classic car enthusiast who is constantly washing, waxing and polishing his prized possession. But no wax off technique for the whack-off domain! North said that adult film stars tend to use a regular Bic or Gillete razor (no guts, no glory!) and to be VERY careful during their grooming "Moment of Truth." We were instant converts and from that time on, the entire ATOMIC TV crew was "clean shaven." (Plus, once you hit your 40s, you'll notice that stray hairs down there tend to turn gray - now who wants to dip their balls in shoe polish to cover up the Salt 'N' Pepper Effect?)

Sex A-peel
Going by my girlfriends, the extra effort is appreciated immensely. It's the difference between eating peeled shrimp and un-peeled shrimp (insert small penis joke here, if you must), between a messy meal and an easy, smooth, succulent one.

Pube Topiary
However, I would like to comment about Mr. Winters' assertion that you have to shave the entire area. I would say, you only should shave everything around your dick if you want it to look bigger. If you have a wee little Willie, then chop down the forest around it to make it look bigger (Peter North certainly does not shave for this reason). Otherwise, you may start to look a little too androgynous like an airbrished model in Japanese porn videos or one of those marble fountain cherubs one sees outside of art museums. And you will start to get the "itchy owwies" within a few days when the Stub Factor kicks in. I know because I tried this with an ex-girlfriend that friends said looked a lot like me, so the whole David and Angela Bowie/Mirror Image effect was a little too weird, even for me. Now female strippers tend to shave the whole area there, even around the anus and perineum, because they are on display and a stray hair or stub can potentially ruin their tip intake for a night. Some even bleach their backseat area, a la Lara Flynn Boyle, but that's a topic for another day.

Bladerunners: Cutting Edge Picks For Avoiding Nicks:

  • Gillete's Mach Turbo 3

  • Schick's Protector - The Schick Protector Razor is the perfect safety razor for shaving your most intimate areas. This razor uses ultra-fine safety wires to prevent your skin from getting cut. These wires effectively wrap the blades to keep them evenly spaced and keep loose skin from getting caught between the blades The Protector also uses ultra glide comfort strips to help you get a smooth shave with minimal irritation.

Further Resources for the Shaved Ball Cabal:


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