Sunday, January 15, 2006

Attack of the MySpace Sex Scam Girls

I knew it was just a matter of time. I joined MySpace to meet new friends and touch base with old ones, and to share our mutual likes, dislikes and pop cultural arcana. Like the Internet itself, though, it was just a matter of time before a great idea for communicating with others became subverted to the new high-tech Powers of Evil: Spam Marketing and Sex Scams.

That's why my new "friend" Kelly - pictured above in her "I can't possibly show you my nipples...we just met and I 'barely' know you - lol!" pose) just sent me (and no doubt a few hundred of her other close personal friends) this unsolicited message that appeared in my Bulletin box:

Hey guys, hope everyones doing good. Just wanted to say love u all and thanks for being my friend. Im live on my cam right now. so all of you who wanted to watch me and chat with me, im on cam now. Remember my cam is all free but you need to sign up first to verify age. Hope to see you guys soon
love ya
kelly
www.kellysfreewebcam.com

I don't know much about Kelly or even how she became my friend. But I do know this:

1. Kelly is very attractive. Not outrageously so. But enough that it is safe to assume that Mick Jagger would have sex with her. And about 1,124 of the 1,124 men listed in her Friends box.

2. Like all attractive girls in MySpace who post "revealing" pictures, Kelly fits the cookie cutter sex scam profile: She is 18-21, likes populist mainstream culture, and is a model/actress/stripper/self-styled "celebrity." All it takes to achieve the latter status is a Webcam, apparently. The only twist (and it must be for some purpose, perhaps to prove that she's an All-American Midwesterner), is that she's from Cleveland. Most gals claim they are from Southern California.

3. Like all the other 18- to 21-year-old girls, Kelly has a side service to offer. In her case it's a live Web Cam. It is NOT free. Other 18- to 21-year-old Hotties have Photo Clubs you may join. Many are the provence of their professional photographer boyfriends or employers.

4. Kelly has many sexually suggestive pics in her Pics Profile. They elicit almost exclusively male, totally dim-witted, testosterone-driven and obvious responses ranging from "Damn girl, that azz is phat, I wanna hit dat!" (from a charming lad named mike-wanna-cum whose picture showed him wearing a backward baseball cap while flexing his biceps) to "how u doin sexy jus came by to show u da lovin dat only way i kno how" from a hip-hoppin' text-messagin' e.e. cummings wannabe whose method of showing his "lovin'" was to post a picture of his upwardly mobile reproductive organ clad in a leather thong (how this pic got past Tom the Myspace Gatekeeper is beyond me!)

5. Kelly's pics indicate that she likes to take baths in heels, bra and panties, as shown below:


6. Kelly's pics attract men who all seem to look like Vin Diesel. Frat boys, basically, who think they have more class than their Animal House ilk because they have wear a hip-hop doo-rag or shave their tiny craniums like the action stars they've seen on the big screen at the Cineplex. And these would-be "playas" either work narcisistically building up their biceps and abs to attract the ideal opposite sex partner, or are rockers testing the potential stripper girlfriend market. The latter invariably post a pic ofthemselves playing guitar and looking like they play in Limp Bizkit. Charmers one and all, to be sure. They have obviously studied the art of the modern courtesan - as depicted on, say, The OC - all too well.

7. Kelly opens up a little and sheds her barely clad shyness once you leave her MySpace profile and access her Web site. She also appears to have aged (one mouse click later and she's suddenly 20!). And to look like another completely different girl. Who gets down. Here's her/their Webcam profile:
Comment: Hi guys, Im Kelly im 20 yrs old and Im always horny. I just got my webcam a couple months ago because my friend talked me into it, now im addicted. I am on it all the time getting wild and crazy, even my girlfriends even love coming over and joining me on my cam. Just sign up and watch me for free.

8. While I enjoy looking at Kelly's FREE pics, I would never pay to see her Webcasts or even fantzsize about her because of her ATROCIOUS "About Me" profile. Can anyone be this stupid? Dave Matthews? Country Music? Adam Sandler? See full, distasteful profile details below:
General Interests:
My webcam .. My coach bag .. The color pink and white ... movies, dinner west 6 th donwtown cleveland... Shooters , yes I can get in! hahahha.... i dont know my guess jeans and my coach purse? lol

Music:
Dave mathews... john mayor.....paul van dyk ... oakenfold... d fuse... coldplay.... faith hill... anything country i love country .. save a horse .. ride me.. :)~
Movies cruel intentions.. legally blonde 1 @ 2 .. harry potter ... anything adam sandler and anything where they think blondes are stupid :) he he he ... And I love lifetime movies :)~

Television: Oc Oc OC OC OC OC OC OC OC .. ok and sex in the city ... and well cartoons on Sunday when I actually wake up... watching myself on mywebcam .lol

Not surprisingly, she left the Books column blank. (But that's probably OK to her 1,124 male friends because, as we all know, books are for nerds while "hot girls" are too busy doing shooters and dancing in clubs to bother with stuff like, um, ideas. Except in the bedroom, of course.)

Sorry Kelly. You plugged your Web Cam twice - as many times as you used that irritating "lol" e-mail convention. And you like Adam Sandler. Even if you stepped right out of my Libido and fit my Ideal Fantasy - i.e., showing up at my door wearing nothing more than knee-high go-go boots, a Hello Kitty thong, and a smile, while holding a carry-out order of Thai Green Curry with Chicken, a bottle of single malt Scotch, and a pack of Kimono condoms while pleading "Please let's stay up late and watch tennis results from the Australian Open," I'd STILL have to say no and send you away. Dave Matthews, Country Music, and Adam Sandler?

C'mon. A man's got his pride. Can't go for that, no can do!

15 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

mmmm... i get one of those almost every month.. don't get fooled by them i think the profiles and messages are mechanically created..

12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Parent's with kids should take a look at that "MySpace" bullshit. kids from the age of 14 can sign up for that MySpace". and trust me everything is for them right there.

3:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with Adam Sandler. I love all of his movies! Anger Management! Billy Madison! The Waterboy! The Wedding Singer! Mr. Deeds! Adam Sandler is funny, what's wrong with liking him?

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

kelly is a real girl and she has a website and a webcam shes amazing girl maybe you should get to know her before talking shit! brian

3:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm thinking kelly's as real as the price you pay to talk with her. nuff said

12:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yea she is real...as real as every other model that makes sexy pics for money. But I would seriously doubt that her name is Kelly. And anyone who believes she is real...try to meet her!

To change the subject just a bit…there are a LOT of young women (according to their profile) that are out there on myspace to get money from you one way or another. Trust me…it happen to me. I almost lost my family because of it. But I didn’t and we are doing better now.

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey guys. I get a Nigerian girl who professes to love me after three days and "needs" me to help pay her high hotel bill (she also sent me a photo which looks exactly like model Allison Angel) and "when" can shge expect to reeive her money?! "Her" money? I dont think so! And so when i asked her what does Ms Angel think of her using her photo likeness? I was told that i was disturbed...?...

6:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guys, trust NOTHING and NO ONE, especially on the web. Don't believe ANYTHING unless you have cash to blow and are positive you know what you're getting into.

3:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I get women who send me messeges and then want to chat via email or using a messenger service. After one to three days they are in love with me and asking me for money. However, the most recent one does not want money, she wants my address so she can send me money. Basicly look at the profile and if she is on myspace for "dating" and especially if she is "new" to it. Just delete it. She won't contact you again. If you do contact her, be careful, and ask her if she has a webcam, the answer will be no for a variety of reasons. She will also more than likely be from the U.S. but in Africa for some messed up reason. I mean seriously who goes to an AIDs infested crap hole like Africa and doesn't have a return plane ticket home. If these girls are real then they are morons and I'm glad they are in Africa because we have a big enough problems with morons in this country i.e. liberals.

8:30 PM  
Blogger Adam said...

FUCK YOU ANONYMOUS!!!!!!
I live in Africa and it is not "an AIDS infested crap hole" as you said.
Get your head out your ass, you fucking bigoted idiot.

9:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow Adam you have some anger management issues there..everyone knows that Africa is an aids infested crap hole except for Nigeria which apparently has tons of upscale banks where very generous people have winning lottery tickets being held and they are offering to share some of their proceeds if you help them get their money out of the country.

As to Kelly she is in fact real.
Her web cam is worth every peso you spend on her. We have met and she's swallowed my manhood all the way down to my scrotum which she then circled with her tongue as I unloaded my love juices down her throat. Meh she's that good.

4:07 PM  
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1:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If 'Kelly' grabs 10,000 email addresses from morons, she done good.
SPAM AWAY!
A cute girl on cam site, but to chat, or to "give gold" - email needed.

3:20 PM  
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