Who Is(n't) Tom Warner?

Will the Real TOM WARNER Please Step Forward?

I am NOT any of THOSE OTHER TOM WARNERs - those false prophets of Tomdom, those pretenders to the throne of the Royal Haus of Warner, those distractions from the one, true path to TW Enlightenment - that I encountered by Googling myself (hey, it felt good!) on the Wondrous World Wide Web:

Florida's Republican Attorney general Wannabe TOM WARNER

Figgers he’s a Republican! Tom loves NASCAR, college football, fishing, hunting, and playing the harmonica. God, he’s like my doppleganger!

Super Plumber TOM WARNER

I like the caped suit and fish head kicks. I wonder if he really made house calls in that get up?

Canuck Queer Activist TOM WARNER


The first openly gay man in Canada to be appointed to a statutory human rights commission. So how’d yew like a reach-around, eh, ya hoser?No? So yew and yer hoser take off then, eh?

Incarcerated Vampire TOM WARNER (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)


Tom the Vamp invited The Slayer and Cordelia to a frat party where he drugged their drinks, chained them in the basement, and offered them up as a sacrifice to a giant demon snake named Machida. After Tom called her a bitch, Buffy realized He's Just Not That Into You, and subsequently slew Machida and knocked Tom senseless. Tom was taken to prison with the rest of his chums and jailed – for fifteen THOUSAND years! Free Tom Warner!