Holy Moses!

Notable & Quotable Baltimorons



No wonder America lags behind the rest of the industrialized world in terms of education. Don't get me wrong: I'm no rocket scientist myself - I can barely microwave a bag of vegetables without screwing up - but I think I met a hall-of-famer Baltimoron today at the library. This guy came in asking for the film The Ten Commandments, so I grabbed the DVD for him. Then, while studying the classic cover depicting Charleton Heston dramatically holding the sacred tablet over his head, he asked, "This show him getting crucified?"

"Moses getting crucified?" I replied, momentarily confused. Though I had the traditional Episcopal upbringing, going to Church until I was confirmed (and then never again - except for weddings and funerals), I was far from a Bible Scholar. As a youth, I even confused Christmas with Easter one time on an English essay; admittedly, I was stoned at the time and have never made the mistake since (it was a great essay, by the way). Still, even I knew that it was JESUS who was crucified, not Moses!

"No," I continued, "The Ten Commandments is about Moses and the Old Testament Bible stories. You want something on Jesus?"

I showed him Jesus of Nazareth.

"This got him getting crucified?" the guy asked again. Jeeze, I thought, this dude's a real Christian gore-hound.

"Yes," I assured him, "any film about Jesus is going to give you a crucifixation. Trust me." I mean, c'mon, it's a no-brainer, even to a lost soul like me. The crucifixion is the money-shot of the Passion Play. It's my money-back guarantee.