Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Tees
Inspired artwork depicts the supremacy, mystery and allusiveness of wolves howling at the moon
Heads ups to Big Dave Cawley (King of Mod-Loving, Cilantro-Hating Men) for alerting me to this fashion necessity he spotted on Amazon.com: The Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee.
At first glance it just looks like some intrinsically dumb nature t-shirt a fashion-challenged Napoleon Dynamite dork might wear. But as you read the customer comments about it's surprising appeal as a chick magnet, its sartorial "magic" soon becomes apparent. If I was still single, I'd place a bulk order to beef up my summer wardrobe. As it is, I can only wonder at how much "game" this irresistable mate-bait enables macho flesh-hunters to capture.
Satisfied fashionista B. Govern (New Jersey) gushes:
Dual function design
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called meth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.
overlook1977 (Raleigh, NC) laments:
Great compliment for my skin art
Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.
T. Guymon "SonOfSpam" (Anaheim, CA) raves:
Why can't Amazon have more stars? 5 ain't enough!
So I'm looking for threads that say, "Hey baby...I'm real boss!" when I stumble upon this epic creation. The wolves spoke to me in a language all their own; it was like German, Mongol, and Bitchin all mixed together. I mean, one wolf howlin at the moon is major...but three???
I ordered next-day air (if only there was same day!), and, of course, a size smaller than usual to ensure the closeness of the wolves to my chest hair. When the package arrived, I tore it open, and I SWEAR angels sang. I think it was Freebird. I immediately removed my "No Fat Chicks" shirt, and replaced it with this finery. Lemme tell you: AW YEAH.
I'll spare the details of my conquests since I started wearing this shirt; suffice to say, I'm swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-Tel infomercials. I'm also more confident at work, and expect to be promoted to cashier soon. I owe everything to this shirt (I should say "shirts", since I now own 23 of them).
YankeeShambles (St. Paul, MN) had an epiphany:
Three wolves, one moon, unlimited adventure
I'm a late-comer to the Three Wolf Moon shirt legend, but I was spellbound by the user reviews. I really liked the artwork and had a pair of jeans it would go perfectly with. With a little hesitation, I decided to buy one and see what would happen to me. When I received the Three Wolf Moon shirt things started changing. The paranormal became normal, the extraordinary became ordinary. Fifteen minutes after I put the shirt on, the sun went into a permanent solar eclipse and a new full moon grew out of it. The "face" people often see on the moon's surface now looked like a howling wolf.
I looked to the sky and howled. Native drums were pounding in the distance, rhythmic and steady. Behind these drums, there were faint, knowing whispers. With each bang of a drum, a solar flare could be seen belching forth from the eclipse/full moon blazing above in the darkened sky. Still howling, two wolves came forth and began howling with me. Thinking back to my Amazon.com shirt purchase, I remembered there were supposed to be three wolves. I looked down to notice that I was still wearing the wolf shirt, but instead of arms, hairy legs and paws protruded from my 100% cotton short sleeve shirt. The third wolf... was me.
Like a torrid electric downpour, lightning came down from the heavens with bolt after bolt striking a large, ancient bolder. Splitting the rock exactly down the middle, a glowing aura spilled out with apparitions from the spirit realm spiraling into the forest. Though it moved rather quickly, I swear I saw a unicorn.
Startled, I bit my shirt's collar and pulled it off. A bright flash overcame my wolven eyes and everything collapsed into pure silence. I opened my eyes and awoke, shirtless on my apartment floor. The world was again as it had been before I bought this terrifyingly terrific wolf shirt. I pulled myself up to my computer, logged into Amazon.com and began to type...
Only consumer Jay Bartholomew sounded a cautionary note about the howling wolves:
Noble Wolves May in Fact be Evil
After reading over a thousand reviews I made the informed decision to order this shirt. Shortly after clicking the "BUY" button I noticed that the shirt had not only already arrived, but that I was wearing it with gusto. All seemed well until I took it out for a test spin.
The awesome power of the wolves promptly drained me of my seed and clogged the kitchen sink. Any attempt I make to unclog the sink or contact a plumber causes the wolves to growl in such a way that I dare not continue. Although I was confident that I could control the power bestowed upon me, it was only a matter of days before I had shaved the tails of all the neighborhood cats and eaten all the first-born children in a ten mile radius.
The wolves do not respond to logic or reason. I tried to remove the shirt, but the alpha male bit me and my flesh has since healed to the garment itself. I now have magnificent chest hair and engage in involuntary chanting which causes acid rain.
I still feel that the pros outweigh the cons, but I now spend so much time carrying out the wishes of the Norse god king, Odin, that I cannot in good conscious recommend this product.