Thursday, July 16, 2009

Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Tees


Inspired artwork depicts the supremacy, mystery and allusiveness of wolves howling at the moon

Heads ups to Big Dave Cawley (King of Mod-Loving, Cilantro-Hating Men) for alerting me to this fashion necessity he spotted on Amazon.com: The Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee.

At first glance it just looks like some intrinsically dumb nature t-shirt a fashion-challenged Napoleon Dynamite dork might wear. But as you read the customer comments about it's surprising appeal as a chick magnet, its sartorial "magic" soon becomes apparent. If I was still single, I'd place a bulk order to beef up my summer wardrobe. As it is, I can only wonder at how much "game" this irresistable mate-bait enables macho flesh-hunters to capture.

Satisfied fashionista B. Govern (New Jersey) gushes:
Dual function design
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called meth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

overlook1977 (Raleigh, NC) laments:
Great compliment for my skin art
Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.

T. Guymon "SonOfSpam" (Anaheim, CA) raves:
Why can't Amazon have more stars? 5 ain't enough!
So I'm looking for threads that say, "Hey baby...I'm real boss!" when I stumble upon this epic creation. The wolves spoke to me in a language all their own; it was like German, Mongol, and Bitchin all mixed together. I mean, one wolf howlin at the moon is major...but three???

I ordered next-day air (if only there was same day!), and, of course, a size smaller than usual to ensure the closeness of the wolves to my chest hair. When the package arrived, I tore it open, and I SWEAR angels sang. I think it was Freebird. I immediately removed my "No Fat Chicks" shirt, and replaced it with this finery. Lemme tell you: AW YEAH.

I'll spare the details of my conquests since I started wearing this shirt; suffice to say, I'm swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-Tel infomercials. I'm also more confident at work, and expect to be promoted to cashier soon. I owe everything to this shirt (I should say "shirts", since I now own 23 of them).


YankeeShambles (St. Paul, MN) had an epiphany:
Three wolves, one moon, unlimited adventure
I'm a late-comer to the Three Wolf Moon shirt legend, but I was spellbound by the user reviews. I really liked the artwork and had a pair of jeans it would go perfectly with. With a little hesitation, I decided to buy one and see what would happen to me. When I received the Three Wolf Moon shirt things started changing. The paranormal became normal, the extraordinary became ordinary. Fifteen minutes after I put the shirt on, the sun went into a permanent solar eclipse and a new full moon grew out of it. The "face" people often see on the moon's surface now looked like a howling wolf.

I looked to the sky and howled. Native drums were pounding in the distance, rhythmic and steady. Behind these drums, there were faint, knowing whispers. With each bang of a drum, a solar flare could be seen belching forth from the eclipse/full moon blazing above in the darkened sky. Still howling, two wolves came forth and began howling with me. Thinking back to my Amazon.com shirt purchase, I remembered there were supposed to be three wolves. I looked down to notice that I was still wearing the wolf shirt, but instead of arms, hairy legs and paws protruded from my 100% cotton short sleeve shirt. The third wolf... was me.

Like a torrid electric downpour, lightning came down from the heavens with bolt after bolt striking a large, ancient bolder. Splitting the rock exactly down the middle, a glowing aura spilled out with apparitions from the spirit realm spiraling into the forest. Though it moved rather quickly, I swear I saw a unicorn.

Startled, I bit my shirt's collar and pulled it off. A bright flash overcame my wolven eyes and everything collapsed into pure silence. I opened my eyes and awoke, shirtless on my apartment floor. The world was again as it had been before I bought this terrifyingly terrific wolf shirt. I pulled myself up to my computer, logged into Amazon.com and began to type...

Only consumer Jay Bartholomew sounded a cautionary note about the howling wolves:
Noble Wolves May in Fact be Evil
After reading over a thousand reviews I made the informed decision to order this shirt. Shortly after clicking the "BUY" button I noticed that the shirt had not only already arrived, but that I was wearing it with gusto. All seemed well until I took it out for a test spin.

The awesome power of the wolves promptly drained me of my seed and clogged the kitchen sink. Any attempt I make to unclog the sink or contact a plumber causes the wolves to growl in such a way that I dare not continue. Although I was confident that I could control the power bestowed upon me, it was only a matter of days before I had shaved the tails of all the neighborhood cats and eaten all the first-born children in a ten mile radius.

The wolves do not respond to logic or reason. I tried to remove the shirt, but the alpha male bit me and my flesh has since healed to the garment itself. I now have magnificent chest hair and engage in involuntary chanting which causes acid rain.

I still feel that the pros outweigh the cons, but I now spend so much time carrying out the wishes of the Norse god king, Odin, that I cannot in good conscious recommend this product.

3 Comments:

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