The Many Faces of Tom Warner

Will the Real "Almost Hip Guy" Please Stand Up?


Man of 1,000 Faces (All of 'em Bad!)

I'm always told by friends and strangers alike that I look "like that guy" - or in at least one case, "that gal". I think I'm the Play-Doh of Doppelgangers, one whose visage is molded by the imaginations of others to resemble a vast array of celebrities and nobodies (yes, even panhandlers sometimes stop me saying I resemble some imaginary friend of theirs - always as a prelude to asking for the money they swore they weren't going to ask for when reminiscing about their dear friend I allegedly resemble). Like Lon Chaney, I'm a "Man of a Thousand Faces" - most of them bad! Over the years my hairline has changed (its theme song is the same as The Jeffersons: "Movin' On Up") so that the Tom Petty resemblance of yore have now given way to the Jimmy Smits high-forehead look of today (as illustrated below)...


A guy with Max Headroom

...but my cast of lookalike characters has remained basically the same (see list below).

Just today, in fact, I got three messages on my Facebook page telling me that Damaged Hearing radio DJ Louis Fowler (right) had referenced my "amazing" resemblance to '70s Canadian pop star Nick Gilder and dedicated Gilder's 1978 #1 hit "Hot Child in the City" to me. (BTW, thanks Lou!)


Gild by association

No Dearth of Separated-at-Births

But today I also heard a new one. At a retirement party for a co-worker who loves pro wrestling, his family raved about how much I resembled a scrawny version of WWF Christian wrestler Chris Jericho, who in his spare time outside the squared circle fronts the heavy metal band Fozzy.


"The Foz", Chris Jericho: Me on steroids? I think not.

Me as Jericho? Geritol's more like it. I'm more like a Stage 5 cancerous version - I mean, I stand 5 foot 7 and weigh about 130 pounds, soaking wet, compared to the 6-foot, 230-pound Jericho! Other than our similar pert pecs and six-pack abs, I really don't see the resemblance between man-mountain Jericho and pencil-necked me.

Oh well, another one to add to the list.

THE (NEWLY UPDATED) "SEPARATED AT BIRTH" LIST:
Men (and Women) Who Would Be Me
(in alphabetical order)

Amelia Bullmore from various British films and TV shows (Scott & Bailey)

*New add!* Amelia, I feel ya - it's all in the high cheekbones and square jaws!


Bob (Frank Silva) from Twin Peaks

Love that "killer" smile!

Nick Gilder

The "Hot Child", looking cool

The Greaseman

Grease is the word!

William Hurt

Hurt So Good: William Hurt and I share the same wispy/receding hair, but Big Bill is way more manly than me. Even in Kiss of the Spider Woman, Big Bill was a stud.

Chris Jericho

No doubt about it: a dead ringer

Kato Kaehlin

He knew O.J.!

Carson Kressley

Don we now our gay apparel?

Bill Maher

Ouch, this resemblance hurts! A certain patron at work always tells me I look like "that guy on that show 'bout politics". Is my schnozz really THAT big?

Martina Navratilova

Well, at least we both love the ladies!

Tom Petty

Sorry, Tom, but with a face like yours, I DO have to live like a refugee - from society!

Julian Sands

Ah, that square, Slavic jawline! I don't mind this one so much, though the short-haired Sands looks more like faux-soul singer Michael Bolton than moi. Thankfully, most Yanks don't know this British actor outside of his role as the nasty Russian thug in Leaving Las Vegas, so only a handful see the supposed resemblance.

Martin Short

Well, we both ARE short. When I worked at BGE, a Jamaican contractor there greeting me each morning with "Ah, Mr. Martin Short!" Uh, yeah, keep smokin' that spliff, mon!

Jimmy Smits

Other than the high, "This Space for Rent" forehead, I don't see it.

Southside Johnny

Ugh. A very, very ugly man. Plus he's from Jersey! Unfortunately, I DO see this resemblance. Still, philosophical songs like "It's Not the Meat It's the Motion" show he's a deep thinker, like me.

David Spade

We do share the same "sunny" disposition.

Timothy Treadwell

The Grizzly Man "bears" an uncanny resemblance, I must admit.

Keith Urban

I wish! The Country & Western-loving checkout bagger lady at Eddie's Supermarket used to call me Keith. (I think maybe Eddie's, like the Goodwill, hires the mentally challenged.) Hmmm, does this mean Nicole Kidman would find me a viable sex partner?

And finally, leaving no stone unturned...

Charlie Watts

Definitely. Charlie was always the coolest Stone (so cool that he even punched Mick Jagger when the Glimmer Twit got out of hand!), so I don't mind my well-weathered mug being compared to his well-weathered mug. And I "played" drums, too! (Well, some say.)